So the first 3 weeks were stressful, but ok. We didn’t see each other as often as I would have liked to, I worked WAY too much and didn’t get enough sleep, but I felt ok and stable. Situation was not how I wanted this to be, but we would see where it goes from there, and could be worse. Every day life test at its best …
Then Tuesday night I got an UTI, was in bad pains the whole night and couldn’t sleep, which also put the sex plans on hold for about a week (taking antibiotics since Thursday).
Wednesday I worked and still tried the natural remedies thing, which gave some relieve but no cure. I was weak, but still ok.
For Thursday I had agreed to help him in the house (despite still having slight pains due to the UTI). And I always want to have him first priority, even if it meant working through the night to meet my deadlines for work.
I came 20 min late on Thursday, because I had a job to deliver which I didn’t get finished in time (and paid work deadlines still HAVE to take priority…) – I was working slow at his house, because I wanted to do things thoroughly and him to be happy with my work – And I took a 5 minutes break because I saw a colleague/friend had tried to call me on Skype a couple of times. So had a short work related discussion and a short video-chat.
All this ended in me being sent home prematurely.
When I asked what was wrong … “it’s ok, I just need to get things finished in time, and I’ll do it myself now since you are chatting with your friend”. When I tried to justify, or talk, he said he’s in a hurry and can’t babysit my emotions.
Now thinking about it, there would have been several ways to handle this with dignity without kicking me out, but this is too late now.
Major melt down back home, the whole “I am not good enough”, “he doesn’t care about me”, blows up into a mental crisis which make me curl up in a corner and whimper.
… I am in pieces since then. Lost too much weight, don’t sleep much, did some minor self-destructive things, and am mainly sitting around trying to control the overwhelming madness within me.
January a year ago he kicked me out as well after a drunken brawl – I freaked out, worse then I did now, he realized things were getting out of hand with me and took care of me until I was able to care for myself again. Which, at the end, even brought us closer together because I saw I really could trust him as he can manage me in case of a major crisis.
Now, it’s different.
I re-read our “contract” and just have to admit, that none of us is really able to fulfill the others needs. For me, in order to submit, I need to feel loved and cared for. And as it seems, I need a lot more care than he is able to give me.
The messages I get is
- “I can’t care for you I have enough on my plate”
- “You are not good enough”,
- “I can’t babysit you” (whenever I get my emotional)”.
My purpose was to be his property and toy and being used. And this situation helping both of us to grow and become ourself.
He doesn’t seem to have even a tiny little corner space in his closet of life for me, and the blame is always on me because I don’t perform the right way, or I am too demanding, and of course when I am in tears like now I am not an attractive toy anymore. For some reason, being rejected, especially by him, triggers the totally crazy in me.
I am sure there are other messages too, from his side, and he doesn’t mean it the way I hear it. but these are the ones which stick with me. Again and again.
And I am sure there have been a lot of situations where I didn’t handle things in a good way either .
From feeling mainly good with him so I can skip/ignore/compensate the hard words, this has developed into a being scared about what he will say next, which is going to hurt me and could trigger the next episode of insanity. I feel like that beaten up dog who always crawls back to his owner begging him not to beat him again.
Whether it’s me being emotionally too weak to be with him – whether it’s him not treating me the way I deserve or any toy-girlfriend-deserves – the fact is there is no more equilibrium and we keep on hurting each other and I go completely nuts because the pain gets bigger than my own strategies to cope, and he gets totally annoyed with me being needy in times where he’d need someone to support him.
Trying not to bother him because the “I can’t babysit you” reply drives me further into insanity.
Too ashamed about my situation to tell the truth and open up to any friends at home; that I love a guy and spend 1000s of Dollars to be with, who I have to beg to allow me a very small corner of his busy life and who rejects me when I need him most.
I might be a weirdo and an emotional train wreck but I am still a human being. I feel damaged beyond repair. I probably have been damaged since day 1 of my life, but this unhealthy relationship reveals my real state once again.
The most painful question is: Why am I doing this to myself?
And the answer can probably be found somewhere deep in these pains that are now pouring out in an endless stream of tears, or paralyzed zombie-state.
I know if you asked him he’d say he loves me but he needs someone who supports him. He has a lot of responsibilities, and that he can’t have someone whiney and demanding and selfish like me at his side. That he cares about me, a lot. But that he can’t care FOR me.
And that he feels sorry that I suffer.
And he might also tell you that I am not enough committed, and the others (girlfriend/employee-combinations) have changed their whole life and committed to him, and that’s why he’s caring for them and has taken a lot of responsibility for them.
All I hear is “You are a failure. It’s your fault”.
Or I blame myself for being stupid enough that I have stuck for so long with him.
I try to see it the way that he can’t give me the environment I need to grow and to heal, so I need to go away, because what happens in the contrary is like a vicious circle, the more my emotional problems take over, the more I become a burden to him, the more I get rejecting feedback, and my issues get even worse.
Normally we should have met yesterday (the “couple of times a week”, which we agreed on, is in reality a 1 time a week, 2 at max) for a maximum of 2 hours. Yes the responsibilities …
I had planned to talk with him, ask him to release me out of the contract cause none of us is fulfilling it anyhow, and discuss whether I should stay here, and how to manage the time while I am still here.
Well a family emergency came up.
Being in the state I am, I did not offer help and support. I did not ask him for anything either, but told him that I am not in good state.
The answer is “I would be happy if I only had to care for myself”.
Again, I feel guilty, to be the selfish emotional wreck i am and that I fail in caring for him.
I don’t even dare to ask anything anymore. All I do is manage myself, to continue eating, and running, and working, and limit the damage to myself, so I don’t end up in any facility.
Well, to be honest, I was pretty sure; my 5 months stay would more likely become the end of our relationship than a confirmation to keep on. I had no idea it would happen from day one, and I had no idea how bad it really would be.
So my plans?
- Don’t get crazy in a way I can’t control any more
- Talk to him, end the relationship
- Stop having sex with him (that’s going to be the tough part).
- Decide whether to stay here on my own or not. It probably depends on whether I can build up something on my own I am happy with or not. I’ll give me a couple of more weeks. Also I had plans to have my daughter over, and see some friends, attend a conference.
- Work less.
It still could be a good experience of a “sabbatical”.
I needed that off my chest.
If anyone reads this, sorry for the incoherent ramblings.