In Pieces

Update

So the first 3 weeks were stressful, but ok. We didn’t see each other as often as I would have liked to, I worked WAY too much and didn’t get enough sleep, but I felt ok and stable. Situation was not how I wanted this to be, but we would see where it goes from there, and could be worse. Every day life test at its best …

Then Tuesday night I got an UTI, was in bad pains the whole night and couldn’t sleep, which also put the sex plans on hold for about a week (taking antibiotics since Thursday). 

Wednesday I worked and still tried the natural remedies thing, which gave some relieve but no cure. I was weak, but still ok.

For Thursday I had agreed to help him in the house (despite still having slight pains due to the UTI). And I always want to have him first priority, even if it meant working through the night to meet my deadlines for work.

I came 20 min late on Thursday, because I had a job to deliver which I didn’t get finished in time (and paid work deadlines still HAVE to take priority…) – I was working slow at his house, because I wanted to do things thoroughly and him to be happy with my work – And I took a 5 minutes break because I saw a colleague/friend had tried to call me on Skype a couple of times. So had a short work related discussion and a short video-chat. 

All this ended in me being sent home prematurely.

When I asked what was wrong … “it’s ok, I just need to get things finished in time, and I’ll do it myself now since you are chatting with your friend”. When I tried to justify, or talk, he said he’s in a hurry and can’t babysit my emotions. 

Now thinking about it, there would have been several ways to handle this with dignity without kicking me out, but this is too late now.

Major melt down back home, the whole “I am not good enough”, “he doesn’t care about me”, blows up into a mental crisis which make me curl up in a corner and whimper. 

… I am in pieces since then. Lost too much weight, don’t sleep much, did some minor self-destructive things, and am mainly sitting around trying to control the overwhelming madness within me.

January a year ago he kicked me out as well after a drunken brawl – I freaked out, worse then I did now, he realized things were getting out of hand with me and took care of me until I was able to care for myself again. Which, at the end, even brought us closer together because I saw I really could trust him as he can manage me in case of a major crisis. 

Now, it’s different. 

I re-read our “contract” and just have to admit, that none of us is really able to fulfill the others needs. For me, in order to submit, I need to feel loved and cared for. And as it seems, I need a lot more care than he is able to give me.

The messages I get is

  • “I can’t care for you I have enough on my plate”
  • “You are not good enough”,
  • “I can’t babysit you” (whenever I get my emotional)”.

My purpose was to be his property and toy and being used. And this situation helping both of us to grow and become ourself.

He doesn’t seem to have even a tiny little corner space in his closet of life for me, and the blame is always on me because I don’t perform the right way, or I am too demanding, and of course when I am in tears like now I am not an attractive toy anymore. For some reason, being rejected, especially by him, triggers the totally crazy in me. 

I am sure there are other messages too, from his side, and he doesn’t mean it the way I hear it. but these are the ones which stick with me. Again and again.

And I am sure there have been a lot of situations where I didn’t handle things in a good way either .

From feeling mainly good with him so I can skip/ignore/compensate the hard words, this has developed into a being scared about what he will say next, which is going to hurt me and could trigger the next episode of insanity. I feel like that beaten up dog who always crawls back to his owner begging him not to beat him again.

Whether it’s me being emotionally too weak to be with him – whether it’s him not treating me the way I deserve or any toy-girlfriend-deserves – the fact is there is no more equilibrium and we keep on hurting each other and I go completely nuts because the pain gets bigger than my own strategies to cope, and he gets totally annoyed with me being needy in times where he’d need someone to support him. 

Trying not to bother him because the “I can’t babysit you” reply drives me further into insanity. 

Too ashamed about my situation to tell the truth and open up to any friends at home; that I love a guy and spend 1000s of Dollars to be with, who I have to beg to allow me a very small corner of his busy life and who rejects me when I need him most. 

I might be a weirdo and an emotional train wreck but I am still a human being. I feel damaged beyond repair. I probably have been damaged since day 1 of my life, but this unhealthy relationship reveals my real state once again.

The most painful question is: Why am I doing this to myself?

And the answer can probably be found somewhere deep in these pains that are now pouring out in an endless stream of tears, or paralyzed zombie-state. 

I know if you asked him he’d say he loves me but he needs someone who supports him. He has a lot of responsibilities, and that he can’t have someone whiney and demanding and selfish like me at his side. That he cares about me, a lot.  But that he can’t care FOR me.

And that he feels sorry that I suffer. 

And he might also tell you that I am not enough committed, and the others (girlfriend/employee-combinations) have changed their whole life and committed to him, and that’s why he’s caring for them and has taken a lot of responsibility for them.

All I hear is “You are a failure. It’s your fault”. 

Or I blame myself for being stupid enough that I have stuck for so long with him.

I try to see it the way that he can’t give me the environment I need to grow and to heal, so I need to go away, because what happens in the contrary is like a vicious circle, the more my emotional problems take over, the more I become a burden to him, the more I get rejecting feedback, and my issues get even worse. 

Normally we should have met yesterday (the “couple of times a week”, which we agreed on, is in reality a 1 time a week, 2 at max) for a maximum of 2 hours. Yes the responsibilities …

I had planned to talk with him, ask him to release me out of the contract cause none of us is fulfilling it anyhow, and discuss whether I should stay here, and how to manage the time while I am still here. 

Well a family emergency came up. 

Being in the state I am, I did not offer help and support. I did not ask him for anything either, but told him that I am not in good state.

The answer is “I would be happy if I only had to care for myself”.

Again, I feel guilty, to be the selfish emotional wreck i am and that I fail in caring for him.

I don’t even dare to ask anything anymore. All I do is manage myself, to continue eating, and running, and working, and limit the damage to myself, so I don’t end up in any facility. 

Well, to be honest, I was pretty sure; my 5 months stay would more likely become the end of our relationship than a confirmation to keep on. I had no idea it would happen from day one, and I had no idea how bad it really would be. 

So my plans?

  • Don’t get crazy in a way I can’t control any more
  • Talk to him, end the relationship
  • Stop having sex with him (that’s going to be the tough part). 
  • Decide whether to stay here on my own or not. It probably depends on whether I can build up something on my own I am happy with or not. I’ll give me a couple of more weeks. Also I had plans to have my daughter over, and see some friends, attend a conference. 
  • Work less. 
    It still could be a good experience of a “sabbatical”.

I needed that off my chest. 

If anyone reads this, sorry for the incoherent ramblings. 

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Over the Ocean … a bit of a mess.

And here I am, back to the US, this time with a 6 months tourist visa. My plan is to stay 5 months. 5 months having my own life here, to find out whether being the secret lover of K while having a normal day-to-day-life is something for me.

I got my own apartment for the first month, still looking for follow-up accommodation. 

I have my best girlfriend living in my flat at home, she doesn’t pay much since she’s a friend and takes care of the cats + other animals. Which means I’ll have to dish out quite some money to make this work, but I’ve saved up enough.

I am not too happy that K doesn’t see this anything else but my responsibility because “he has enough on his plate” (aka financially caring for the girlfriends who work for him and fuck him), which always feels SO humiliating, on the other hand, it gives me the freedom of independence. I could as well stay here without him, if I feel like it, and leave and continue my old life, if I don’t like it. I try not to compare my situation to the others, but I do. 

Things got out of hand at home before I left. My friend moved in 3 months earlier because of breaking up with her boyfriend (and there was a spare room since my daughter moved out).

She’s also a freelancer, like me, working from home (sometimes on the same projects), and I am about 90% of her social life since the break up. – Which means, there have been many days of 24hrs “together”.

She’s fine with this much closeness. She’s out of a 24 year old committed relationship (which she didn’t want to leave, it was him having another girlfriend). Whereas I am coming from almost 2 decades of being more or less single (parent), and am someone, who always loved being on my own.  

Sometimes I left for a weekend for cycling trips or races, or had evenings out for sport or with friends. Each time I came home, I thought she had been waiting for me to be back, to fill the emptiness of her new life.

One way to cope with her situation was to help me out getting things a little nicer and cleaner in my flat, after she did her own room, she took care of the garden, cleaned rearranged some stuff.  Which was good intentions (She asked and I didn’t object first), but went completely overboard, it seemed to me that she was completely taking over everything. Now this triggered some really old nasty stuff from my childhood with my over-caring, emotionally intrusive mother.

I am not the most social person on earth, some even say I have autistic traits (this deserves a separate post…), but in general, I like being around people and am fine. But THAT much closeness + the whole issue of my flat not felt “mine“ any more due to the whole clean-like-a-maniac thing, made me very tensed, sometimes rude and hostile, in general and towards her, without really noticing it. (In addition, no time on my own to record my sexy clips or take pictures, well, the sexual drive was quite gone as tensed up as I was…).

I must have offended her feelings on a couple of occasions with my rudeness, and when we talked about it, she made it seem like I am the one who has an issue, and she offered, that she would try to keep better distance, because she would like to continue to co-live with me, “I want – your – best” attitude.

Well, when anyone starts “caring for me” and “wanting my best”, I either get very aggressive, or into a passive-aggressive-depressive mood, which happened a lot these last months. NOT healthy.

Fuck, I just need my inner and outer space, which is physically and emotionally impossible when I am living so close with someone, so the only way to save my sanity and the friendship is, that she has to look for her own place until I am back. I am not too confident about this because of her financial situation, which is another way I am filling the gap her boyfriend left. So on the long term run us together would probably mean financial discussions too, so I am crossing my fingers about a good ending and a saved friendship.

Ok. Co-living-rant over.

Next issue I had, my daughter more or less moved back in after her boyfriend broke up and needed a lot of support. Which I tried to give her, but that didn’t really ease up my emotional state. And the feeling of not having enough space (I made the mistake of giving my friend the “free” room, which is the nicer and larger of the 2 bedrooms. After a couple of weeks, when the emotional stress kicked in, I realized that just because I was too lazy to move my furniture and paint another room, I had created a situation where I am the main tenant and pay 80% of rent and utilities, but got the smallest place in the flat).

Plus work was catching up and I had nights where I worked until 3 am. 

Plus lots of appointments to get doctors check-ups or meet friends before I leave. 

All this together resulted in me being more than tensed, like a caged animal, fighting my inner demons and some real issues. A couple of times I was getting into really freaky moods, similar to when I had my clinical depression.

Leaving to the US became an escape out of my own life, which I never thought it would or should be, but it was.

It has taken 4 days until I got my first fuck. Which was short, and sweet, and made me cry, a lot. Because of being here, and I can stay here for a while, and being able to relax about everything.

I had wished for earlier, and more action. I try to be patient, be myself and let things go and not open the next battleground with “I am not getting enough”.

Nevertheless, I think my secret wish for my stay here, is to finally realize that this is NOT what I want for my life. That the place and time and care K is willing and able to give me is NOT enough for me to grow and be happy. 

Maybe things will just stay the same, I won’t feel satisfied, but put the blame on me and continue, because going away seems even more painful.. Maybe things will get a lot better, and I’ll be happy with our situation and work out a plan how to permanently move here in a year or two. 

Right now, I feel like I am falling out with him, but need to live and stay here for a while in order to accept the full and long term reality-blow of our relationship, instead of talking myself into “it’s good as it is, I don’t want anything else“. 

This moment, I feel lonely, and very sad. Being on my own has released the pain and tension built up during the last 3 months. I’ve cried a lot. But I am also very calm and relaxed, for the first time in ages, breathing again. I finally have some time on my own, without anyone else I have to talk to and anyone or anything I have to care for. My small 1 bedroom universe. 

So far I got settled in, got me a nice vintage road bike (next store is about a mile away…), signed up for the local running club, went running 3 times, went to the gym, try to get used to the heat and humidity, and pretend to be ok. Take time for meditation, stretching, pilates/yoga/core exercises. 

Write this blog post. 

Calm down.

Trying to take better care of me.

Looking forward to some more sexual action.

Who knows. Maybe I am going to meet someone else here. Maybe I will break up with K, but find myself. Maybe I’ll leave after 3 months, or stay a month longer.

More sex and pics to follow. Right now, my emotional state takes all the space.  

 

 

 

 

 

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The Risotto made me sad …

I have this depressive tendency – darkness and sadness is always down there sleeping, deep inside me. I am not hiding it, or pushing it a way, I just can’t feel it in my day-to-day life (which makes life much easier), and I don’t drag it up as long as it’s not coming up on its own .

Now there is this guy from my club I am good friends with since a couple of months, 8 years younger than me. We started out running together, that’s when he told me his story about how we was left by his girlfriend of 10 years, how his life was shattered in pieces and how he’s working his way out of it. I immediately connected (pain connects….)  and since then he’s been a good friend for me, with every benefit but “the one”, the base being a feeling of mutual caring.

After some time I also realized he is hot like hell and I’d like to care for him in all kind of ways, but since he made it clear that he’s only looking for that one committed relationship, and I made it pretty clear that I am only serious about fucking and being with a married man on the other side of the world, I refrained from starting or even asking anything, and he made it pretty clear this is not what he wants from me (I hate being rejected, and this is probably what would happen). Sometimes drooling over him in my late-night thoughts before falling asleep.

Now during the last weeks, things got pretty close. Him taking my car when he needs one (mostly taking me with my car to shop groceries together), me helping him with all kind of computer stuff, letters and applications (he is not used to all that stuff + seems to be dyslexic, and it’s my daily base…), him helping us when my daughter moved out or going with me when I need a fast training partner to push me, chatting on FB at night.

I never felt in love, But very close and caring for each other. We’ve once talked about our relationship, and he said that between us “it’s something else”, and should stay “something else”, aka non-sexual. Personally, I don’t think anything of that would go missing with occasional fucks, I’ve had more than once a good friend with benefits who remained in my life as good friend when the fucking was over.

But there is no need pushing anything, as things feel good as they are. And I think he just can’t imagine at all sharing his body with someone he’s not in love with. (That this kind of guy even exists…next to him I feel like a whore…). Well I’d show him if he ever asks.

He was always bragging about what a fantastic cook he is. I was teasing him that I don’t believe this as long as he doesn’t show it – so yesterday he cooked for me and my best friend. Lemons-Shrimps-Chilly-Sauce Risotto. Delicious is far away from how good it really was.

It made me and my heart melt. On the spot. (And having a sexy guy in the kitchen professionally cutting the veggies? Awwww).

I had some prosecco, and got really tired, since it was only lunch.

And sad (which I didn’t realize before the prosecco was out of the system). Extremely sad. Sad that tears are not enough to express the pain. Sad like a heavy stone is sitting on my chest. I went swimming at night, relaxed at home, but SADNESS is back and stayed.

I couldn’t think of any reason first – well some obvious ones, but not of the dimensions I felt.

Am I about to fall in love over a Risotto?  I still don’t think so.

But when I teased him later in chat, about what I had to do to book a flatrate of his cooking, he said, that there is only the option of a full package available, which is a committed relationship, which he can’t offer me (nothing new there, we’ve talked about this before).

These words were the key to my sadness, which has persisted and been around since yesterday.

I think that the fact, that there is a fantastic man out there, alone, which would be worth marrying just for the cooking (and other attributes as well), and who’s looking for a woman he can love and share his cooking and other attributes with, made me realize how much I am also missing this kind of commitment from a man, and that indeed, what is lacking in my long distance affair-relationship, might be far more essential to me than I’d like to admit.

I don’t think I need to explain, that being with a married man on another continent, and not even the only girlfriend, does NOT really leave a lot of space for this kind of feelings and commitment.

So far, the happiness when being with K. made me accept and tolerate all weird circumstances around. My own need for being independent and having my own life as well let me believe to be happy and content, as long as I feel sexually and emotionally cared for. The speciality of our being together, the deep connection, the feeling of being so good together, on a very deep level,  in so many ways of life, made me accept to just occupy a rather small nice in his live. Because, I felt happy in this niche, as long as it means being with him .

The risotto made me sad, very sad. A cry for a true and committed relationship, hidden deep inside me for probably more than a decade, emerged and starts getting a voice, and a feeling. And I can’t see this ever getting satisfied with my current relationship.

I don’t want to give up my plan on spending a couple of months in the States, starting next summer yet, over this risotto-born-sadness.

But my goal to find out, whether our relationship is sustainable and livable for both of us on a daily base, became a new dimension to it. And a lot of doubts.

I might have to be a little more careful with the risottos in the future. I am OK to be sad, and to accept and go through whatever my screwed up soul still has for me – it’s there anyhow, and  depending how I deal with it (or not), has the potential to enrich or poison my life, and I’d rather face it and integrate it.

What I don’t need, is a complete melt-down, which seems to be lurking around the corner again, a melt-down with the power to turn me into a complete nutter and unfunctional zombie –

So I try to take it in small doses and work my way through it, even if it means I might one day have to give up my love affair and start to open my heart again to a man who’s fully committed to me. And THAT might be a whole different can of fears being opened.

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10 Years

Take a look at me 2004 (oct) and 2013 (march).

Not too bad I think :-).
2004_vs_2013

10 YEARS.

It’s been 10 FUCKING YEARS.

I digged out some of our old emails, pics, videos.

We started getting more or less sexual with our words after a couple of days.

And we started our mutual hurting game of “you don’t do/care enough for me” and “I won’t do anything for you because you don’t do anything for me” right at the beginning, though more on a general level.

It’s still there, but has changed so much. There is so much more acceptance, softness, care, forgiveness, that we really want to understand and accommodate each others needs.

Unfortunately, I’ve lost most of the clips I’ve done when my external hard disk broke, and I was happy to find these two old videos. I’d like to post them here, along with a recent one. But I don’t know how to black out faces in a movie, so this would be too personal :-).

But I managed to dig out some old clips and pics from 2004 – . … I have to say, I’ve kind of aged, and nevertheless, I think my body is better, and my overall emotional and physical shape has improved, despite a little more flab and wrinkles in some places, I feel stronger and more balanced emotionally and physically.

—————-

… I am still not sure whether I should continue blogging or not. My domain is about to expire, and I decided, to give it a try for another year.

The reason to give up is, that I can’t seem to get around to blog regularly, read and comment on other blogs and built up a relationship or mutual exchange with other bloggers, so my rare posts remain single isolated dots and bits in the blogging world.

Another reason is, I am still afraid people from real life I am writing about might find out about this blog and get mad at me. I don’t like the secrecy. It’s enough that I have to be secret about him around his wife/daily  life … and about my occasional love affairs around him.

Anyhow, I’ve decided to continue nevertheless, so here is a new post .

———-

I went to see him for another week last month, it was sweet, and nice, nothing extraordinary whether positive or negative, but good to get fucked again, and be close to him.

We talked about some important things in person, for my plans to come over in summer, financial things and investments, my jealousy of  that he doesn’t care enough for me (but for others who have a work/fuck relationship with him), and it was good to pronounce things, so I can see how much of my fears and woes have a real base, and what is blown up out of proportion by my “no one loves me”-mind .

The truth, as often, lays somewhere in between.

It’s true that he will not take over any financial responsibility for me coming and living in the states – partly because he HAS taken a lot of responsibilities for persons he has a fuck&work relationship with.

But it’s also true that I prefer being financially independent, and am proud that I can do this, and it’s better for our relationship as well.

It’s not true that the lack of financial care equals that he doesn’t care for me emotionally. He’ll help me find accommodation, and make sure I feel good wherever I’ll be staying, and he wants me to be there, and is looking forward to it.

We both are realistic, that this won’t be 3 or 4 or 5 months of crazy fucking love, but it will mean that each one of us will live his daily life in close proximity to each other, which gives us occasion to fuck a lot more often, and to further grow together and see where our relationship is heading. It’s nothing more, and nothing less, I am SO looking forward to this.

—————

This is what I wrote him yesterday (with his comments)

Ten years of getting closer,
misunderstandings and better understandings,
love and madness,
happiness and unhappiness (on our own and together)
fucks and discussion
disappointments and hopes,
dreams and plans,
learning and moving forward,
fighting and accepting,
beatings and smooches,
growing (up), alone and as a relationship.

yep love it all; love you

just
US.

yep, true

Finally come to a point, where we will spend more time together,
the dream comes reality,
and we’ll see how this goes.

I look forward to it. 

—————

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It’s Been a While….

It’s been a while, almost half a year.

What happened?

– I am a full-time freelancer now. This has taken its toll, during the time I worked double jobs (April – September), and right now. I can’t complain about not getting enough work. But feeling responsible 24/7, working on weekends, having anxieties about not being good enough, not earning enough, the constant pressure in my head of “time is money”, all the little new tasks I am responsible on my own now ….Quite a big change losing the cushioning life-style of being an associate of a major company (as an over 40 who’s constantly been employed for about 15 years).

– As a result, my sexual life, my running and physical fitness smoldered down to pure maintenance mode. Even the emailing with K. Where before, I couldn’t stand more than 24 hours of silence, I suddenly accepted 10 day-interruptions. On one side trusting that BECAUSE I consider this a stable relationship after almost 10 years, 10 days of silence doesn’t mean the end, but I am also afraid it might be the beginning of some sort of alienation, mainly from my side.

It turned out not to be true. I am back to regular physical exercise, more sleep, daily writing with K, producing little video clips, and a more healthy life style. And he even has accepted to be that long desired green dot on my online list, and I’ve kept my promise not to bother him during work (well most time I am working myself).

– Due to my new life-and-work situation, we are planning on an extended (3-5 months) stay of me living in the US. Well it’s still in the plans, which mainly depend on the accommodation, because since I won’t give up my life (aka flat) in Europe yet, I need something affordable. For me, it means EVERYTHING. To see whether a life as permanent-present-secret-lover is livable. How I cope being away from my original home and family for so long. How I cope with him and he with me. Whether our dream actually can come true in real life or not.

– I’ve been back for one week in fall for a running event, unfortunately we were home-stricken due to the hurricane, his wife’s business trip was cancelled and the anticipated sex did not take place. Higher power …. Original plans of me returning for January were abandoned due to his business schedule, we are hoping for something short and sweet in February, followed by THE long stay late spring/summer. During this trip, I met the other girl-friend of his, which I haven’t met yet. The one I was always VERY jealous about. She does not know about the others. It turned out that we get along really well, so she has the place in my heart she deserves now 🙂 – well I am still jealous because she spends so much more time with him, but at least she stopped being the big mean monster she used to be in my head.

It was kind of funny to see her behavior, how “well-trained” she is to his likings (can’t call it

– My daughter starts professional training in February and will move out by end of the month (only 30 miles away). I’ll probably turn her room into an office for me (tax-deductible) – if it turns out she won’t be home much any more (when she doesn’t work), I’ll probably sublet the room – to be able to afford the double rent while I am in the US, and hopefully have someone caring for the cats. (Don’t know whether I really can count on my daughter moving back in for this while I am away).

– My best girl-friend found out last summer that her boy-friend is cheating on her- and the whole affair seems to be something more or less serious, at least more than just fucking. Which put me in a strange situation, being the secret girlfriend in 2 cases and supporting my best friend being cheated on the other side. Anyhow, her boyfriend doesn’t want to separate, but doesn’t want to stop with his new girlfriend either, and she does NOT feel good within the situation. So she thinks about moving out (he owns the flat they’re living in). Being one of these persons who constantly struggle with money, she hardly can afford it, so we also are talking about her moving in at my place, which would also relieve MY worries about who’s taking care of the pets while I am away – she loves my cats, and is a full-time freelancer working from home as well.

– I met J a couple of times again. It’s always been good, raw, animal sex. He loves spanking me, and I love getting spanked. He doesn’t want to commit emotionally, I don’t want to commit emotionally. So all set?

No, because each time, after we met, I felt guilty, like I shouldn’t have done it and never should do it again. Like something ESSENTIAL is missing (Emotions!). And how much K would not appreciate this if he knew. And decided to stop it. And re-began as soon as J urged me for the next date. I introduced him to my best friend, maybe I’ll hand him over to her, they’re both interested. Because, as strange as it seems, it’s not only my own lust and flesh binding me to him, but also the feeling of being obliged to serve him and feeling guilty if I don’t. Somehow just seems to be my nature …

– But, even if I stop with him, since I am back to a more relaxed life, I am drooling over other guys as well. The postman bringing the mail (he seems to be simple guy, not even very attractive, but there is a certain cuteness which attracts me, and since he’s always ringing my bell now when he has packages for the neighbors … dirty fantasies play in my head).

There is also a new guy in my running club, 8 years younger than me, emotionally quite damaged after his girl-friend left him after a 10 year relationship, and somehow WAY too shy and honest to start any casual affair (oh boy, he was shocked when I told him my relationship status). But whenever I see him, and his thighs in running pants, I get wet and dream about masturbating myself on his legs. When I talk to him I can get shy like a teenager. Oh REALLY I would like to make him forget his ex … (won’t happen, but one can dream…).

There is also a good friend which I really like, who is a bit desperate, and I would like to relieve him (and I know he would like to get relieved by me). The thing is, I think he needs a true girl-friend, and this won’t be me, so there is a certain risk of me hurting him at the end. He is one of these guys who are just too nice for me.

So, even if I might refrain from fucking around, my mind and body are on a constant hunt for casual sex, and I wonder how long it will take to hold me back. It’s like an addiction, I know it doesn’t do any good to me, but I can’t say no when occasions present on my doorstep, just toooo tempting. And I regret afterwards.

– Physically, I am in better shape than ever. Due to regular foot exercises and pilates exercises I improved my body alignment and running style, I changed my breathing technique (all the input came from K …. THANKS), and finally I am getting back to a better performance as well. Which, as vain as it might seem, makes me incredibly happy, way more happy than just jogging around.

– I discovered cycling as a new passion keeping me happy. The last two months I spent at my company, I cycled the 20km commute about 3 times a week, with a newly acquired old style steel frame road bike. Also cycled to my running training (12k). To my friends. To anywhere. What started out as a necessity since my daughter needs my car for work, turned out to be a true blessing. Bliss. I also took part at a mountain bike ride in fall (70k and 1800m in altitude)

I think I’ve discovered a new passion, which I will pursue as soon as the weather becomes more suitable for cycling again (well, no snow for now, but lots of rain and cold wind).

So what are my goals for 2013?

– Deepen my State-Side relationship with a longer stay. If this works out as planned, develop a long-term plan (visa-and-finance-wise). FUCK MORE. Put more efforts into producing video clips and sexy pics for him.

– Refrain from fucking around too much .

– Get back to ambitious running performance (I never really got back anywhere since my injury end of 2011 + overwork in 2012) and more cycling.

– Grow professionally, by getting better paid jobs/direct customers (right now it’s agencies and not too well paid), get further qualifications.

(You see the priorities? I guess I am back to my old self…).

And for this blog and you readers?

Read your blogs more often and comment  :-).

Write more regularly, share pics, gain old readers back and new readers along the way. I guess I will never be one of these daily bloggers, never be a real writer. But I like to share. And getting feedback. That’s all – so watch out this space.

Posted in Cheating, Daily Life, Happiness, Random, Relationship, Running, Sex, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

One more time …

Hi guys,

One more time I met with J at my place. He’s taking a break from work, so has too much time on his hand to flirt with me on Facebook, and to persuade me that we need to take the occasions as long as we get them. So he has time on his own when he can come see me, and I can work from home. And earn my company money while getting fucked….. A little prosecco, a little talk, and off we go. A little spanking, starting in the kitchen, finishing on the couch. Things went quick, but it was just right for me. He is strong dominant, determined. We are fucking like animals. (And the cat even didn’t wake up). 

This time he came in my pussy, sudden and in a real orgasm, but we decided that we should NOT continue our encounters.

We both know our little fuck-ins don’t make any sense for either of us. No romantic involved, both of us are committed to someone else, …. nevertheless it’s hard to resist for both of us. 

Being treated as “the one who gets fucked”, being a toy, being used for someone else pleasure, being the object of desire – all this is very satisfying for me. I think being told what I have to do reassures me and makes me feels safe – I can open up completely, give and take, and let myself go. 

Anyhow after this (second) time we met, and after the prosecco had worn off, I also felt empty and stale- 

I realized I can’t open up sexually and physically without opening up emotionally as well. Opening up emotionally means showing emotions (good or bad), exchanging emotions, letting myself go with the flow, whether it means ending up sobbing or crying of joy, all this also enhances the sex.

But all this won’t happen between us – I even would’t mind getting emotional with him (if only temporary) because I like him enough, but I know that HE is the kind of guy who is really scared of emotions. So I hold back. And by holding back emotionally, of course I hold back sexually as well. And the next day, the hotness is gone, replaced by that empty feeling of this not being “right”. I miss K, the overall experience with all parts of my personality, with love, emotions, pains, and trust. 

So the whole action with J has been like a treat, adventure, hotness, but after all, not satisfying. And I feel as I’ve not only cheated on K, but also cheated on myself, on my own feelings. 

Let’s see whether I am strong enough to resist the temptation next time …. (if there is any further action planned). Because it still IS tempting. 

Other, random news: 

I quit my job for end of september (3 months notice period), and will go full-time freelance. I am not scared, I am relieved, that I’ll finally have only one job to concentrate on. 

Probably beginning next year, I am going to have my first prolonged stay in the States (depends on organization of accommodation, and how my business starts off). But things are looking good so far. Though I’ll be there for a short visit end of october as well. 

I really neglected exercising the last couple of weeks due to work – I need to start to get back on track, if I want to run that marathon in fall and if I want to finish it with dignity…. And my flexibility- never been as bad as now. 

I found a new love which is biking – just leisure biking and short-distance for daily stuff. 

I still work like crazy and the lack of sleep is taking its toll. So I skipped my usual sunday-night-TV with a friend and staying at home instead, and it feels GOOD. 

I hope I still have some readers out there despite my posts being not THAT hot (I just can’t get myself to describe the sex more detailed), infrequent, and not as literally well spoken. But, I still like writing here. And reading your blogs. And I hope you all had a good weekend, and those who didn’t, feel hugged and comforted! 

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A – new – post

… still busy working two jobs, so blogging is the last on the priority list (and I really never was a regular blogger anyhow…). Today I called in sick, one of the few times in 7 years I am working for this company, and the first time without being really sick (well I have a cold, but normally would have gone to work). It was good to sleep, relax, and catch up with some things.

SO now, this is what is New.

– Since working on two fronts, I had a lot less email-exchanges with K. And what happened? of course, he starts writing more, even contacting me on ichat (which he always refused before), telling me how much he misses me, and we both start dreaming about how things will be when I am there on a more permanent base. Not that there is anything different from before, it’s just that now HE starts this conversations instead of me.

I am glad our future perspective has become so much more realistic, since I am working freelance and will be only restricted by visa regulations in the future.

What is new as well:

End of May, I went on a 3-day cycling trip with an international bunch of friends. – Perfect weather, relax, no jobs, no family, no duties, no worries to think of, just fun, cycling, eating drinking.

One of the guys of the group (J) is a friend I went running with a couple of times some years ago. We had a one-time-thing going on after too many after-run-beers, at a time when I already was committed to stay faithful to K.  – Sex wasn’t too great because I wasn’t  relaxed (due to being drunk and feeling guilty) – the sex wasn’t bad either – so my conclusion was, that I knew we COULD have lots of fun together, but that it’s not meant to be and it’s not worth working on it either.

J was scared like shit I might fall in love with him and harass him, … you could see he didn’t know me well. There is a reason why my lover is in the States and I am not the only woman in his life…

I was a good girl and I never actively contacted J again, we just occasionally met at events. Some flirtatious exchanges, but nothing happening. He’s found a nice girlfriend meanwhile, I really like him and her – sometimes even dreamt of a 3some…

Before this years bike trip, J had messaged me how much he would like me to come to his (single) room during the over-night-cycle trip. – And of course this needs to remain secret, because he has a great relationship he doesn’t want to lose blablabla.

I knew that if I went with his offer it would feel like betrayal to K. On the other side, I am only one of his at least 4 girlfriends (despite I claim to be the special one), I am  living on another continent and seeing him the least of us, …. and how should he know anyhow and as long as he doesn’t known …  (excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses…. YES probably I just need a fuck. Urgently. And am getting a LITTLE less attached to K….)?

Still, l feel that it doesn’t make any difference to my feelings for K, and my commitment if I indulge into some fun at home, as long as it remains occasionally. So I decided to not actively pursue it or encourage it, but let it happen if it happens with J. (or anyone else…).

The first night, when J. waited in his single room, well first of all I was exhausted like hell and fell asleep while 10 more persons were partying next to me. (Also I didn’t see him giving any clear signals he would be waiting for me…so I didn’t want to show up and not feel welcomed). But, during the day, while joking around, he slapped my butt. And this felt RIGHT, just right enough to take my pants off kneeling down. (which of course I didn’t do with all these other guys around).

Second night of our 3 days trip, he didn’t get the single room he had intended, but shared a room with 2 other guys. When the group had dinner in a restaurant, I left a little earlier. Talking about “not encouraging it”, one of the reasons I left earlier was to give J the occasion for a quickie with me before everyone would be back. He got the hint, and left shortly after. Took me in the hotel-garden next to the pool. I was a little drunk but just right enough. –

Three years since I’ve had sex with anyone else but K.(wasn’t J, there was one more that year) ….. it felt good. Different. I felt my usual emotional crying-mess coming, but quite kept control of it. (So it’s more sex itself triggering it, not the person.Though it depends on the person whether I let it go…). It still scared J, so I had to reassure him it’s just me and has nothing to with him, or us together.

I sucked some dick – nice, just the right size for my mouth and cunt (middle-to-large-sized as I like them) and what I liked most was he made me bend over to touch my toes (from standing position), and he took me hard from behind. (YES to me being flexible). I was happy, satisfied. Happy just-got-fucked smile for two days. We agreed this should not happen on a regular base and left it at that (every two-three years might be ok though).

The next day I felt a little shaken (emotionally as well as physically) and had a hard time not getting overly attached. It’s not that I am in love or anything. Just, sex is a deep emotional happening for me. And I like to be as close as possible as long as this emotional bonding through sex holds, and it’s a bit longer than just the act itself.

I knew I had to keep the distance not to raise any suspicions and not to scare him… I am glad I have my emotions controlled in a way that I allow myself to feel whatever it is, and don’t push it back, but I am not slave of any spontaneous impulses and emotions any more. Let’s call it growing up…

I was ok with everything as it was, though he didn’t feel it was enough … because he was too drunk to actually finish, and felt there still was a loose end. – Started messaging me again 2 weeks after our trip. It took us another 2 weeks to schedule a meeting, with his girlfriend being out, and me being at home, which was today.

I was nervous. When was the last time I’ve been waiting for someone at home to get fucked, wearing nice underwear, lipstick and heels? He brought prosecco, and frozen strawberries instead of ice-cubes. It was fun. Fun someone not taking my body for granted, complimenting me and getting excited (I know K. loves and appreciates my body, but after all these years, of course, he almost takes it for granted).

I got fucked on my kitchen counter, and on my kitchen table. He slapped me with a kitchen spatula (no more innocent cooking from now on). squeezed strawberries on my body, and licked them off. Played with a frozen strawberry around my pussy and tips. Fucked me in standing position from behind. When my legs got wobbly from excitement, he carried me (carried!!!!) to my bed, and took me again and again. He finished off in my butt. Which was a bit of disappointment for me, because it was slightly painful  (and afterwards he agreed, that it wasn’t really necessary)

The positive side, I think I got over my panic over anal sex now. Which origins in some really painful experiences. It started painful as usual, but I got over this panic and managed to relax, it worked and I enjoyed it.

One further trauma resolved? I always knew the best therapy to enjoy anal sex for me would be to actually do it without any pressure of “performing” like I often have with K.

So THANKS J. The whole thing lasted an hour and a half, then he had to leave.

He said he was grateful to meet me in my own home, because I was just so much more relaxed and he said it was a real revelation about who I really am (I wonder what he thought of me before???) – It’s true, I was more relaxed this time and much more myself.

I know the reason I am NOT in danger of getting attached to him is because he is so scared of emotions. His own, and other peoples’ emotions.  And, me being the one who I am, a guy who cannot share emotions is emotionally a no-go for me. So tonight, I feel free, and happy and a little tipsy. Because I had great sex, but still know where I belong.

And this feeling even got stronger today.

I am glad I have this blog. Because I feel great and can’t tell anyone that I just got fucked and it was fabulous….

Thanks for reading!

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